The Fact Checker

Over the past couple of years – the most recent especially – I’ve found that the Fact Checker is not only a useful servant, but a very necessary tool to have in my employ. It is the Fact Checker which balances me out and helps me stay grounded. It is the Fact Checker that catches my self will run riot in fears, doubts and insecurities, and brings me back to reality. The Fact Checker is essential to the daily maintenance of my serenity, spirituality and sobriety.

I’ve only come to know the Fact Checker so intimately as my desire to keep sacred relationships became greater than the fears surrounding them.

When I feel threatened in any way, my imagination can turn ugly quickly. My inborn human defense mechanism rears its ugly head at the first quiver of a nerve that might go against what I think I want. Within minutes, I can go from enjoying what’s in front of me to launching into an entire story that is not at all rooted in what is real.

This is why the Fact Checker is so important. While employing the Fact Checker, when my imagination starts to spin and my defenses get ready for a rumble, Fact Checker steps in and says, “Whoa, whoa, now! Just where do you think you’re going, little fella?” instantly and temporarily disarming the machine. It pauses the downward spiral long enough for me to find the ground and stand for the next attack. The imagination launches in again, spewing misinformation and speculation, observations with assessments born out of past perceived experiences (because, after all, it all comes down to perception). Fact Checker calmly chuckles and says, “Well now, let’s take a look at that,” again disarming my inner tormentor.

It can be exceedingly difficult to remain calm in the face of a perceived attack. More than likely, my friends are completely unaware of whatever story is playing out in my head. If I actually were to say anything to them, to voice concerns out loud, it’s more common I'd be met with confusion than affirmation of my fears. What’s happening inside is about me – not them.

I’ve allowed these exact kinds of experiences to drive wedges between me and many people I’ve loved. I’ve pushed people I cared for deeply out of my life completely based on unfounded fears and assumptions and making decisions for others without their input. Whether friendship, relationship with a family member or a romantic partnership, it hasn’t mattered. I’ve taken the wheel and made decisions about the other parties based on what I think and how I feel about myself. Whatever I was so sensitive to in what someone else did or did not say or do is a direct reflection of how I feel inside about the subject.

With the Fact Checker I have the opportunity to stop and check in about whatever I’m thinking or feeling. Do I have reasonable evidence to suggest that what I fear so greatly in this moment is true? What are the facts in this situation? Doing this has saved some very important relationships in my life over the past couple of years.

The thing about the Fact Checker, though, is that it is not a one-time use tool. The Fact Checker must be always on stand-by, ready to jump into the fray. The Fact Checker must not be reserved only for certain people or situations, but employed across the board for all aspects of our life. In my experience, we as human beings tend to be on the defense far more than is healthy. We’re waiting to be attacked, to be wronged, to be judged, used, mistreated, etc. We see the boss go behind a closed door and automatically, it must be about us, we’re going to get fired, so we bulk up on our rebuttal and grab our weapons preparing for a fight that usually never happens. We carry that with us to the grocery store where we become convinced the butcher cheated us with our meat, or of course any line we get in will be long because the universe is against us now. We take it home to our families where one wrong look can upend the whole house. I’m feeling stressed just thinking about it and remembering my own place in the fray.

The Fact Checker prevents the yarn from unraveling so far that it will take a long time to pick up the pieces. The Fact Checker, as I use and hone my skill with it, helps keep me happy and (mostly) sane in my relationships. I don’t have to make assumptions or prepare defenses because the Fact Checker reminds me of what is true and real and only what is true and real and that anything outside of that is born of my own mind and cannot be used as a basis for decision making or feeling anything negative toward another.

It’s not always easy to use the Fact Checker. Especially when I feel vulnerable or that I’ve opened myself to the potential for feeling hurt by another person. But when my desire to keep sacred relationships is greater than the fears surrounding them, I know it is worth the risk.